I remember the good ol’ days when I’d walk into a McDonalds and see some bloke teabagging the ice cream machine. His balls were cold and wet, but still saggy as ever. I’ll never forget the sight of the ice cream dripping down back into the vat.

While I didn’t support his actions, I remembered the sight of our glorious flag flying at half mast outside by the parking lot. Reagan, god bless his soul, had recently passed on, and a tear came to my eye as I pulled into the parking spot. I carried that feeling with me, and when I saw that glorious man stand up, drops of ice cream still falling into the white pool of soft serve ice cream at the top of the dispenser, there was nothing left to do but salute. The shouts of the employees yelling at him to get down made me remember my days in the service, their voices harsh and loud, just like the echoes of Victor Charlie that could be heard throughout the wood all those years ago. I fought hard for my country, and seeing this man reminded me of everything I had fought for. Countless enemies of America killed at the end of my rifle, all for this man’s ball sweat to mix into the ice cream of countless McDonalds patrons.

To maintain American values, we must constantly fight for them. I did my duty, and now Reagan has worn himself out fulfilling that same duty. I salute the man and his dripping balls, I see in him the same spirit that’s inside all of us Americans. If only Reagan could’ve seen it himself, the ice cream trickling down to the rest of the vat. A beautiful sight, and one I sadly fear I’ll never see again. America isn’t what it used to be.