Man. I have a straight litany of shit my parents have said to me too, most of it while I was still in high school.

1. ⁠Found a bandolier of dild’s in my dads garage while looking for tools to fix my guitar. All shapes, sizes, races, and anatomies. Found a vibrator in my dad’s sock drawer where he would tell me to look for socks. Found a freakish purple lighted vibrating ‘do while reaching under my parents bed for my cat (I accidentally turned it on.) I had a fear I would turn on the shower and it would start raining dildos they had so many. Holes in the wall gave me anxiety, thought my room would collapse in like a ball pit of phallic retribution for being a bad catholic boy.
2. ⁠My dad was walking by my mom in the kitchen, barked, “MOVE YOUR SHORT ASS.” My mom retorted, “I’m not short, you’re short!” Dad countered, “Bullshit, my dick’s taller than you” to which my mom contested, “No it’s not, it’s short!” My dad assured, “It’s thick though” which my mom reassured with a knowing glance to us spawn, “It is.” My siblings still use that phrase as a day-ruiner.
3. ⁠I said I wished I had food. My dad said he wished his dick didn’t look like a short stack of buttons.
4. ⁠My mom recently announced at my sister’s birthday dinner that my dad is now impotent. He said, “My junk really is junk now.”
5. ⁠I’d wake up in the middle of the night to hear my parents take a break from fucking for an hour to argue. “I don’t want to kiss it!” Guess my dad was a little bold.
6. ⁠I had to go drop off my dad’s porn rentals at the video store. I was told by the workers I wasn’t allowed back. Also, I knew where the only sex shop was when I was a kid because I would wait in the car and the name of the shop was kind of a pun in French, which I figured out from knowing Spanish.
7. ⁠I remember my dad telling my mom to look at what video he got. I ran to the counter to see thinking it was a cartoon. It was something along the line of “Thick-Ass Latinas.” My mom was unimpressed in Spanish.
8. ⁠Moving on to my grandpa, he once watched porn with surround sound after getting out of jail on the big screen in the front room while my parents had company. I guess they thought it was too awkward to stop him. When the credits rolled abruptly, he declared, “WHELP THATS ABOUT IT FOR ME” and went to his cot in the corner and passed out.
9. ⁠He later watched an ad for boner pills and wrote down the number. We shrugged it off, but a week later I came home and he was being taken out on a stretcher by firefighters. They gave us his bottle of Cialis or whatever and said he was having palpitations.
10. ⁠I ran away when I was 17, and then moved somewhere after where I couldn’t have my furniture. He held onto it all. When it was time to repo it, I asked about my favorite chair. He said the prostitutes like to sit there and “watch pornos on the tv and use a vibrator.” I let him keep it. He ended up selling it all, and when I cleaned out his apartment much later, there was almost nothing but my old bed and a Gatorade bottle full of shit from when he was withdrawing from heroin.
11. ⁠Bonus: My neighbor girl was four years older. All the neighborhood boys would bully me, and what’s more, they wanted her super hard. She would always go on about how she was gonna marry me. Her favorite band was Metallica, and I actually got a pick from James Hetfield at a concert to give to her, which she wore as a necklace. She was definitely waiting for me to turn legal, which I realize now was a bad thing, but by the time I did she ended-up fucking my grandpa for drugs. I think I actually lucked-out on that one.

Okay, I’m drunk and alone and this is my anniversary weekend. My housemates and wife are all asleep because we all work odd and different hours and our alcohol cycles don’t quite align, so naturally I’m feeling a bit idle. No one will probably see this but this will be good to have for when I finally write that memoir. I’d call it Shameless or something like that, but that’s kinda already a thing. If you did see this, I hope you got a kick out of this as much as I did reminiscing. I promise I’m quite healthy and happy now and I seriously hope no one knows me on here!

Edit: Sp/formatting/clarification

Edit: My wife just woke up to go to work, it’s still dark, and according to Reddit it looks like I’ve been drinking again