walks up to microphone, taps it nervously, clears throat

“um, forndniet…… bad”

thunderous applause. every single girl in the crowd swoons and faints. dozens of people rush the stage for a group hug. president trump descends from the sky on the back of an enormous bald eagle and awards me the medal of freedom for my bravery in standing up for gamers, the only truly oppressed group in america.