im 14f. My whole life i had heard my family call each other assholes or bitches, or things like that. Not in a mean way, just in a playful teasing sense. We all love each other, and sure there is drama like ever other family, we would bail each other out of jail no question at all hours. And when i was around nine, my mom started to playfully do this to me, and i thought it was natural. I liked it. It felt like i was truly part of the family. (i never went for thanksgiving bc of custody issues, and i always felt left out) When I was around 10, i started playing calling her names back. She was happy, because I had finally reciprocated her teasing. She always said i needed thicker skin in this family. Little did i know, everyone else in the family thought i was a spoiled brat for doing this. This became apparent when i was 13, but i just couldn’t shake the habit. It was our love language. If we weren’t insulting each other, it meant that something was very wrong.

And now i’m worried they think i don’t love respect her. I do. So much. I love her so much. she had never ever set any kind of rule my whole life, but i always always always stayed in reasonable boundaries. I respected her even though she never asked for it. And i was always proud of myself for not being a bitch, or spoiled. It was and is my greatest fear.

So now i’m sitting here at my aunts house having a sleepover with my cousin, who is 9, and i playfully called him an ass, ( mind, he gave me the peoples elbow on my spine seconds before) I forgot myself. Also his mother and many of the adults call him a “little asshole” is like his nickname. Then he told me not to speak to him that way, and that he’s not my mother . My entire world stopped and i almost started crying. That wasn’t him talking, that was definitely his father and my cousin was repeating him. And then I knew they talked about me behind my back. They had to have The entire evening he was so happy and relaxed and we played like siblings, until he said that so cold, and so judging. So judging. It was like a knife to my heart. He always looked up to me. I was the cool older cousin and i could tell in that moment i was a spoiled brat to him and i wanted to cry. i am not going to say those things to my mother anymore. ever. AlTA?