So recently I’ve been real stressed out and busy as fuck. I’m working full time and running cashies in the evenings trying to make a quick buck. As I’m averaging about 14 hours work a day I’ve been running on nothing but protein shakes energy drinks and modafinol alert pills I buy on the internet. Last week I realised they actually dont taste too bad mixed together so I’ve just been blending 8 litre batches up in my mum’s industrial food processor to save time. I call it my go go juice and its keeping me going like no tomorrow. Thing is it’s also making me incredibly regular I need to do a liquid shit at least once every 4 hours. This was working fine until Sunday when I went for a few beers with friends. I ended up catching the late bus home.
I have an alarm set for when I need to go to the toilet but I hadn’t calculated the fact that the late bus is a direct line and goes past 6 stops in between routes. My alarm goes off and I’m like fuck it I’ve shit myself before in public so I did the logical thing and just shat myself and pretended to have a stroke. Anyway I ended up in hospital overnight but was cleared to leave the next day and mum came and picked me up. Long story short I did it again but this time in the main Street. Some bitch saw me start shitting myself before I started faking and I could tell she was suspicious so I really had to sell this fake aneurism and went head first into a gutter. Kinda fucked my eyebrow up but whatever. The doctors tried to keep me in longer saying my brains probably fucked but I said I’m a perfectly healthy dude and maybe I was dehydrated. They asked if I ever did drugs I said no I’m not a fuckn need lmoa
Anyway so i get back into work and I’ve been slamming it I’m making bank I’m fuckn working my way to a million dollars when I get a call from my lame ass friend Jeremy who needs a fuckn lift any way fuck him but I go and get him and this is where it gets bad I’m driving and I need to shit and so I do and fuck it gets all in my seat and Jeremey throws up and him throwing up fucks my act so I’m not acting and he just sees me shitting myself so I say fuck and I literally roll out of the car and fuck myself up. Waking up in hospital and the doctors are there and they ran some blood tests while I was unconscious and they’re asking me about the massive levels of modafinol in my system which I deny, then one nurse starts asking me a series of questions about my mother and I think they think she has Munchausen by proxy and like fuck I don’t want mum to go to jail but I also dont want people to know I shit my self